Male Perspective
The Male Perspective – Getting A Glimpse into the Mind of the Masculine
Ever sit there scratching your head wondering “what was HE thinking?!”…. well you now have a wonderful tool to help you get a glimpse into the male brain and masculine flow: The Male Perspective! Managed by Armand, you can send in your questions, queries and “head shaking” experiences to get a better idea of what was going on in the mind of your man, or even how to (better) approach situations involving the male energy.
Anything goes! From relationships, sexuality, colleagues at work or even family, Armand will use his beautifully balanced male energy (and love for empowering the feminine within each of us) to give you clarity and understanding (and maybe a few tips on how to best effectively move forward).
So ladies send in your questions and get ready for a boost of clarity & confidence in your relationships! Go ahead and email info@spiritedfemale.com or use the form below.
January’s Featured Question & Article
Why do we hate when you date our friends after we split up?
To put it simply, it’s a type of social incest. Our friends are a family we make for ourselves.
This chosen family can have (and usually does) as much complexity, drama and dysfunction as our biological families, so when you are starting to have sex with a guy we address (or have addressed before you started to shag him) as a “bro”, that should give you a hint to go fish in a different pond.
First and foremost there is usually an unwritten rule amongst men that you stay away from your friend’s ex unless you have been given an explicit go ahead, usually along the lines of “ Go ahead, I don’t give a fuck”. That means that the guy is sufficiently over you not to care who you are with, or it could be that he simply never cared that much in the first place.
If the permission is not granted, we typically classify a “friend” who is doing…I mean dating our ex, a douche bag or some other colorful euphemism, and this is regardless of what generation you hail from.
Men, not unlike other canines, have an innate understanding of territoriality. This is wired into us so naturally that saying “but that’s so animalistic and uncivilized” simply shows how little you know us and how even less you understand about the dizzying power of testosterone. Our territory is not just the plot of land on which we happen to reside but also different other geographic locations that we lay claim to. (In the case of you….literally).
That is why even if the guy you are dating is unknown to us, you can expect us to only tolerate him, as opposed to genuinely befriend him. If this guy happens to be someone we shared confidences and good times with, rarely can anything positive or uplifting come of it.
Another factor of note is timing. If we split up months ago the impact of you dating again (regardless of who it may be) is obviously different than if we see you hooking up with our best friend 48 hours after moving out.
We know that often your decision to date our friend has less to do with you genuinely wanting to be with him and more to do with you wanting to hurt us. Which it does, but even knowing that you are doing this perfidiously does not stop the feelings to turn to unpleasantness. Unless you live in a little village without any available dating options, please date someone outside of our circle.
If you are fortunate enough to have been with a more evolved man the situation may not be so grim (or homicide prone), especially if we see that you are genuinely happy together, and perhaps even better suited than we were. We will likely wish you well. Especially if we had closure. After all if we genuinely care about you, we will want you to be fulfilled and happy.
Even if you are committing social incest.
By Armand Sagredo
December’s Featured Article
Tips, Tricks, Do’s & Don’ts
for Engaging in Intimate Conversation with the Man in Your Life
Hello Ladies, In the last little while I have noticed a common theme in the questions coming in: “how do I get my man/husband/lover or even good friend to open up to me?”
I’ll let you in on a secret that you almost certainly already know but are still trying to convince yourself otherwise, you know that whole Venus and Mars thing…. well when it comes to communication the concept is very true. In fact, men and women may be not just from different planets but alternate universes.
From childhood males were raised to express themselves very differently in their play and social interaction. As girls you may have stayed up all night gossiping at a sleep over, where the boys would be happily re-enacting some epic Star Wars battle or wrestling to win (communicating satisfactorily with grunts and firing space phaser sounds) – the difference is that as men we communicate and connect more through activity, while women are happy to sit over coffee and chat…..for what seems to us like forever.
Now this doesn’t mean the male in your life doesn’t enjoy an intimate conversation it just means he may not engage in the same style of it as you, and in fact pushing your way of conversing (and expectations of his acceptable responses) on to him may shut him down or turn him right off.
So, let me give you a few powerful key tips to bear in mind when inviting the male animal into an intimate conversation, which I promise will change your interaction with Us forever.
DIRECT QUESTIONS
A point which cannot be overstressed. Men hate the riddles of a woman saying one thing, meaning another and then expected to know the difference. Despite your conviction that our ESP is as developed as yours, it isn’t. That’s more of the female intuition domain, and we respect that.
Bonus points: If you can phrase it in a yes or no format all the better.
Additional Insight: We have a tendency to hold our stresses internally and then unload them through activity, usually physical (and usually potentially combat related). Take a close look at a guy really deep into his weightlifting workouts and you may catch a glimpse of the issues he is sorting through in his system (or who he is attempting to strangle).
A TOUCH OF HONEY:
How a conversation is started is of vital importance. When wanting to broach any conversation it is essential to start with a casual soft (emotionally neutral) approach. The absolutely worse thing you can ever start your conversation with is a variant of “We gotta talk”. The only other circumstance we are likely to hear those words are usually when we have a potential of getting fired at work, so our level of openness and receptivity is in a very specific zone (and not likely one you would prefer) Side note: We are also wired to get into a “fight stance“ when loud noises are thrown at us, so starting a chat with yelling will only get you a cornered animal response (usually via mirrored anger).
LOADED QUESTIONS:
“Does this dress make me too fat?“… Is about as loaded (and a rhetorical a question) as any you could ask. By the way, the universal answer to the above question is a version of the following : If you think that it does, then don’t wear it. Because we already know the response that we will get from you if our answer would cause you to react in anyway which may preclude us having sex with you later, then we will happily lie to make you happy.
THE MAGIC OF BODY LANGUAGE
When wanting answers on something important or potentially confrontational, try starting a casual conversation when you are not facing the man directly. Most people don’t know that the male animal is wired to perceive direct frontal approach and eye contact as a potential threat and our brains are too busy with the fight or flight neurons and hormones firing to really want to pay attention. In fact in many cases we simply can’t, particularly if we have experienced a strongly confrontational parent or an ex. So try talking when you are sitting or standing beside the man. (The side saunter works wonders).
Have you noticed how many men fidget, physically when confronted with a need for in depth conversation (particularly anything to do with sharing feelings)? They may fidget with their hands, shift their body posture or pick up objects to fondle. There is a good reason for that.
Try talking to him when he’s doing something that keeps him busy with his hands already.
When he is holding a steering wheel, fixing something or doing a chore.
It will give him something to fiddle with on his terms, as opposed to attempting to find something to avoid the conversation.
Please note: Do not attempt to converse when the man’s mind is already preoccupied with a mental activity usually through visual stimulation of things like a televised sporting event, a movie or even his smartphone app. We are wired to get intensely fixated on what we are visually focussed upon which is great for hunting prey in the wild, but not great when having your mate try to share something important with you. Notice the glazed look that a man has after staring at some fantasy worthy cleavage and you will understand that a fixated male is not a clear thinking male.
ACTION & THE MAN
We like movement and momentum. We like physical activity. It’s our element. That’s why we like to chop down trees, rip out old kitchen floors, or chase after a rubber puck on ice… it makes us connect to the primal man of action. We are wired this way (plus we know that you like the glisten of sweat on our muscles). Consider therefore going for a walk when wanting to discuss something important. Go for a bike ride, a swim or a workout, anything but face to face, eye to eye (especially with arms crossed).
Some of the greatest conversations I have with Alessandra is when we go for a drive. I have something to keep my hands busy, she is facing to my side, we have momentum happening. Now we are talking !
I hope you will try these simple suggestions for yourself and experience the guaranteed improvement in the communication levels you have with the men in your life. And remember…..a nod and or a grunt is just as adequate a response to us as a fully developed conversation, at least from our perspective.
Past Featured Questions
Hi Armand,
I have a question about a guy I’ve been seeing for 3 months. We get along great, see each other a few times a week and talk on the phone about once a day. The Thing is, he’s never introduced me to his friends and when we run into people he always says “this is Shelly a friend of mine”.
It’s starting to get a bit uncomfortable for me because I don’t really know “what we are”. I really like him and don’t want to scare him off, but would like to find out if we are “together” or… if we’re just seeing each other.
Any ideas on how I could talk to him about this?
Thanks,
Shelly
Hi Shelly
You have every right to be curious about the nature of your relationship with the man you are seeing after 3 months. I’m assuming from your question that you haven’t broached the subject with him directly, which may be good first start, so any answer I will give you will be speculative and based on general male dynamics that persist. Speaking of questions, men love direct, exact questions which require a yes or no answers. We are often dumbfounded by women’s way with questions that mean something other than what is directly stated (and our being expected to figure out the riddles). Subtleties and diplomacy have nothing on the direct approach.
Bottom line is that 9 times out of 10 when a guy is proud to be with a woman he can’t wait to show her off, the exception being when he is insecure and anxious about competition from other men, then he will likely attempt to cage you and keep you a secret, however, since you mentioned that you do in fact interact publiclly together, there are likely other factors at play here. When a guy introduces you as a “friend”, unless he is in another relationship to which you are the “other” woman, and thus he has altogether different reasons to keep you at arms length, he is most likely sending you a message that he wants to keep your relationship very casual. Unless he has sworn off serious relationships, odds are he is still looking for someone to proudly introduce as his “girlfriend”.
Cheers,
Armand
